Feb
13

Hello people across the internet.  It’s almost 11pm by me.  I’ve been starting to think that (as a first and second shift worker), late night, when I’m back at the house, alone, in bed, is when depression is worst.  although that’s very debatable.  it’s bad in the morning.  it’s bad during the day.  it’s bad when I’m bored.  it’s bad when I have to put on a facade at work to try and look passably fine, and sometimes the effort is so draining…

 

anyways, it’s been awhile…since I blogged and since I blogged about depression stuff.  I might delete this in the morning, who knows.  I’m just in a kind of place right now where I feel like I can’t really talk to anyone I know, for many various reasons, and where, in the past, I’d very much journal.  I used to be a …ferocious? prolific? obsessive? journaler.  you’d be hard-pressed to find someone who journaled as much as I did.  I eventually, against my will, had to go digital, because I could no longer justify the cost of the cheap notebooks, but mostly ran out of space – and justification – to store them.  I still kept it up for a few more years.  and I still do on occasion.  but part of it, I think, is because I think I just rant the same rants over and over and over again.  such that I don’t feel it’s worth it, unless it’s a new topic.  (and if it was significantly new, then I’d justify another physical book)

but off topic.

again, I ramble.

but I do remember this, that at least the act of writing (hand-written or even type) slows down my brain process a bit and does have maybe a slightly calming effect.  not calming. um..cathartic?

so anyway, not feeling I could talk to anyone.  ironically, I feel I have a few people in my life these days.  and I am appreciative, I really am.  but I still feel alone…. and journaling felt like same old same.  so I thought I’d sortof split the difference and blog.

How I figure it, at this moment, is that this blog is basically like a journal.  written more for myself.  addressed to no one in particular.  It’s not that I’m so much as seeking comments.  never was.  but more the idea that maybe, if by some means, my stupid little inconsequential, but honest, thoughts, if they can touch someone somewhere, strike a chord… at least I’m trying to help…

if you’ve made it this far, you readers, if there are…

ok, so, I guess I’ll just start writing like a journal. …if I’ve learned anything in the last year, I think it was that I should say, “I suffer from depression”  – rather than, “I am a depressive – no one says that.  but I understand.  the idea of linguistically trying to separate identity from it. be more kind to yourself. and more disease model. and combating stigma.

at this rate, I’ll never get to my day.  but this is how my rants go…  I kindof wish I could find a way to devote my life – and get paid for it – to help with mental illness.  I think I have the empathy.  (“it’s what they all think,” they say, with scorn and judgment) … but you have to construct barriers… or something… complicated

nevermind and so not my point. someone might say I am “deflecting.”  I guess I am pseudo-freudian.  avoiding the personal.

fuck everything.

ok, fine. my day.

I was sad from the start.  many factors.  as a used-to-be-maybe-scientist, I have a plethora of plausible explanations.  maybe I’m down because it’s winter. aka SAD – Seasonal Affective Disorder – aka lack of sunlight, lack of vitamin D, lack of melatonin.  and I do believe SAD is a real thing.  I just don’t think I have it.  or, more accurately, I am depressed year-round, so I don’t have “just” SAD, but I could admit that maybe the winter months could biochemically exacerbate things. point one.

point two, me ever trying to be the former scientist I never was… um, I guess you could say PMS.  pre or post menstrual cycle things.  my whole entire life, old or young or what as it is, I have vehemently denied this.  fear of sexism, essentially. fear of my feelings not being seen as valid.  (I blame my dad – that’s another dissertation.)  but not wanting that response of – “oh, you’re sad, must be PMS.”   …and/or if you chalk my feelings up to hormonal, it dismisses them as not real. (maybe it started out as overcompensating by not wanting to be dismissed as a woman and then it was real for me) … if you deal with stress by downing whisky and punching shit, than I’m in. …and yet here I still am trying to dismiss my feelings as hormonal.

then there’s the pseudo-freudian stuff.  (if I have any readers left)  Feb. 11th is an anniversary of a major negative event in my life.  some times it hits consciously.  sometimes it hits unconsciously.  I kinda feel I see it coming.  …like me being down in Oct. for similar reasons.  …so I told a couple people I confide in that Feb. 11th is approaching and it’s an anniversary and I may be down.  …they didn’t get back to me.  but one point is that I could be down due to that as well.

and now to the what happened today part.  there’s still other things.  but I should talk about today.

again, nothing major.  and I fear I’d sound teenager-y.

thing is, I dared to get my hopes up. if any there remains.  I increasingly feel alone.  even as I realize, and actively try to appreciate, how social I am now.  I force myself to hang out with people I feel I don’t fit in with, because at least they put up with me there and I should appreciate it. and so on.  I have had friends, for a few years now.  but I also know it’s been waning.  they never answer the phone, never call me back, never call me, never email me.  I even text and no response.  I barely see them any more.  but that friendship has been dying in inches for years.  I still try.  I might be afraid to be seen as paranoid if I think they are done with me.  I wish they’d just look me in the eye and be upfront with me, just tell me they don’t want to hang out with me any more but are “just trying to be nice,” because, otherwise, I’m left giving benefit of the doubt and feeling paranoid.

…anyways…

sorry, dear readers, for the buzzed tangentialness… just writing stream of consciousness… what have I to lose anyway?

I have a lot of things on my plate.  a lot of deadlines expiring.  possibly soon to be kicked out.  soon my last license to expire. my current job won’t promote me, despite trying, and even working full time isn’t enough to live alone around here.  my two friends I tried to go in on rent with decided to get a place with the two of them and exclude me, despite my pleas.  I can’t do a random roommate as have had too many abusive roommates.  I tried pleading with someone I’d barely call a friend, but he wasn’t looking for a roommate. and I can’t afford to live alone around here. no job, no prospects, no nothing.

I spent my youth in study. I got all the grades.  all that came of it was me being too in debt to survive and being so nerdy and isolationist that I couldn’t have friends and never the right thing to get a job.  so then I spent years giving preference to trying to make and keep friends above all else.  and I guess I can’t.  so that’s more years wasted.

and then some personal sadness.

and some general world-shattering sadness, Trump era.

me trying to grasp at straws. semblances of straws of straws.

oh and I did try meds and individual therapy and group therapy. long term.  guess it just doesn’t work for me.

some amazing people are somewhat in my life.  and they, though they didn’t know it, kept me hanging on. a word of encouragement here, an email there, and it got me through the next day. and the next. and a year.

but now maybe another friend is fading too.  and I don’t want to just receive. I want to give.  but I believe I don’t have anything to offer.

…so, things on my plate.  just for today.  lack of sleep. possible SAD. possible PMS.  feeling like I am losing two close friends recently. deadlines running out. no future.

so I feel I must have no more straws left.

and then, a coworker, seemingly out of the blue, is very kind to me.  and the kindnesses keep coming. I respond back. likely too much.  say hi to me, I might fall for you, kind of thing…  I finally do say to the person something like, look, you have to stop being kind to me, because I think I might start getting a crush on you. and they had the best response I’ve ever heard, and still continued.  something like that they told me directly that they weren’t interested in me that way, but they were flattered…and still kept up the kindness. relentless kindness and niceness. over email.  or email to me, maybe texting to them.  I still had my feelings, but tried to keep that in check.  but still too honest. too depressed.  I tried to keep telling myself it’s all nothing.  they’re “just being nice.”  but I couldn’t help but get my hopes up.  ok, romantic stuff aside, I am still totally open for a new friend.  we keep missing each other at work. opposite shifts.  but today we’d finally work alongside each other.

I was eager – too eager – for a new friend.  and we had all day to maybe talk to just try to meet each other.  nothing.  almost cold shoulder.  I don’t feel there was meanness.  but I was definitely down.  I felt that, just maybe, they were avoiding me.  maybe they’re tired, stressed.  except I saw them engaging just fine with other coworkers, laughing, gossiping, joking, talking, being funny.  with me, just terse and work.

so… I got paranoid a little.  i.e. what did I do? am I hurting this person? what did I say wrong? am I making them feel awkward? am I a creep?  or maybe just, in person, I don’t come off well, maybe I come off as cold and not open to talk, when I am desperately willing to try to connect with someone.  or maybe our personalities just don’t connect.  and/or all three.

and such, how I am still so alone.

I guess that’s the long and short of it, too much detail of some, minus some detail of others.

I’m just sad.  fucking alone and sad.

and nevermind.

maybe I’ll half remember I wrote this in the morning and then delete it. but thoughts for now.

I had a lot of take home conclusions from today. one continual one being, never hope. it’s the expectations that let you down.

but yeah, I mean, what alternative did I have? feel down and keep feeling down? or maybe risk chance feeling good at the risk of feeling more down.

this is no life.

but I’m fucking stuck here.

sorry to bother you.

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Dec
10

Nov
19

11/27/17 update: well, there goes one of my favorite magazines:

http://fortune.com/2017/11/27/meredith-is-buying-time-inc-for-1-8-billion/

 

Hey devoted readers and passersby,

Sorry for not being on top of the blogging.  On of many reasons being, you know, the election.  I took it seriously, did the homework, studied the debates.  and, you know, fucknut won anyway.  So then I went into protest mode.  and then, for various reasons and influences, the do something more mode – met with a senator, do huddles, what else.  and still try to have those conversations with people who think differently.

on that last front.  I feel I at least try.  I feel I am getting nowhere.  but I feel I at least try. (but also not enough.  I should be canvassing right now and haven’t.  I work and am either too tired after work, or the few days I have off work, it’s been raining.  so I don’t.  but I feel awful.  How the hell is she supposed to get 500 signatures in a week to just get on the ballot?  so, personalish stuff)

but, moving on, cutting to the chase as they say:

so my point for this, the media.  it’s as if I woke up one day, that day being maybe two days ago, with this thought that maybe I (an American, i.e. US) am no longer in a democracy.  in the sense that maybe there is no such thing as the free press any more.

ok, so, for starters, the Sinclair Broadcasting Group.

ok, so this conservative bias taking over local news and many outlets.  This broadcast was months ago and it’s only gotten worse.

ok too, the attackers, those who say, but the “liberal media.”  yeah, I know.  I know all too well.  I’ve done my own informal tests, and, in short, they depicted a spectrum from Breitbart to Fox News, through ABC/CBS to CNN to MSNBC to Democracy Now.  and I personally settled on NPR and BBC as the most neutral.

ideally, no news outlet would have any bent.

But ok, so Sinclair, with its conservative bias, is swallowing up local news.  And now it’s in talks to buy Chicago’s local WGN news and Chicago Tribune paper.  I personally like the Tribune.  it’s one of my last go-to’s for trusted news.  I still buy the Tribune paper.

http://money.cnn.com/2017/11/10/media/sinclair-tribune-merger/index.html

And then there was something else about a maybe ATT Time Warner merger? or something? and it would otherwise go to anti-trust.  I didn’t know they even enforced anti-trust anymore.  But that the Trump admin. jumped in on it and said they would approve it, if they got rid of CNN.  You know, the network that has shown Trump in a not so good light (I’d argue the truth), a network that Trump has repeatedly attacked.

for starters:

https://www.politico.com/story/2017/11/08/att-time-warner-dump-cnn-244697

http://www.chicagotribune.com/business/ct-biz-fcc-media-merger-rule-20171116-story.html

and then Colbert ran a thing where he talked about how maybe CBS could buy CNN, but I’m too lazy to find the relevant clip.

 

ok, so Sinclair, conservative group, with “must run” propaganda, buys local news.  Even maybe the Chicago Tribune and WGN.  There is talks of buying out more news and the Trump admin. saying it could allow it if it gets rid of a station that may favor them negatively.  (not to mention the “state run” pro-Trump, digital station the Trump admin. started airing awhile back)

and now I hear that the Koch brothers, rich zillionaire conservative backers, are thinking of buying out Time magazine.  i.e. they are thinking of buying Meredith, which owns Time.  I like Time.  I haven’t thought that Time was particularly liberal.  I have always thought Time was pretty decent journalism and always read it when I get the chance. (sad to say I haven’t so much as bought a subscription, but it was my first go-to choice to must-read in a hospital waiting room type situation.  I have had subscriptions off and on.)  maybe a little left.  but I still feel it is quality work.

so to think that my go-tos, like Chicago Tribune – potentially bought out by Sinclair, and Times – potentially bought out by Koch.  so, then, where to do I go for news?

I am not going to start with the social media.  obviously facebook is crap.

so that leaves NPR.  but who, apart from me and a few sparse devotees, even listens?

and not to mention the other tactic: convincing the public not to trust

a)science

b) journalists

Where does one proceed from there?  that I can debate someone and show them all the facts, only for them to say that they basically don’t believe in science or facts.  or I can cite sources, only for them to quote “fake news,” or for them to say they don’t trust any of that, “the liberal media” or whatever.

so, sadly, kudos.  If you get your populace to distrust all journalists and all scientists.  right… so, the few rest of us.  us isolated well-read scientific types.  I can give you the data.  I have studied history and how you have to get to first-person sources and check for biases and so on.  but if people just blatantly disregard it, because..  then there is no counter, that I know of.

as I have been saying for years now, are we ushering in the new Dark Ages?

but yeah…

so… happy dreams and all?

 

Nov
09

 

https://www.countable.us/articles/1396-historic-election-night-democrats

 

Nov
04

Oct
13

Oct
08

Oct
03

Sep
08

French artist JR erects a large piece on the Mexican side of the Mexican-US border near Tecate, CA.

The following article is now out-of-date, but still provides useful information on the Dream Act 2017 that’s on the table and on what you can do to support DACA.

Sep
08